Moving on Up!

Tanner tries my patience. Tanner really tries my patience. He's very messy, very destructive and it seems he's doing something naughty about 95% of the time. Tonight I had just had it with him! He'd dumped out all the toys in the basement, flooded the bathroom, got muddy in the backyard then brought it in on my carpet, got into my storage room and repeatedly dipped his dirty fingers in my sugar bin, stole marshmallows out of the pantry, ripped all the bedding off my bed.....it goes on and on....with him it always does. Finally worn down by frustration I yelled at him tonight "If you don't straighten up and start following the rules in this house you can go and find somewhere else to live." Real mature of me. He's four.

As soon as those words had left my mouth I was hit with guilt. What if he doesn't think his mother wants him? What if he doesn't realize that I love him to pieces no matter what he does? He's going to need years of therapy to heal the hurt of rejection that I just flung at him in a moment of anger. He was so quiet. I went to go give him a hug and have a heart-to-heart talk about how mommy didn't mean it, I shouldn't have said it, I could never give-up my special boy. Right before I got to his side he looks up and says "Can I go live at Michael's house? Or maybe with Johnny.....he has dogs. Or I can go live with Calvin because he has video games."

Oh.

He wasn't silent because he was crushed......he just needed a minute to think through how excited he was to get a new mom.....there were so many great options to chose from. I guess I deserved that.

Something to Think About

Children Learn What They Live
By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.

If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.

If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.

If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.

If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.

If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.

If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.

If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.

If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.

If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.

If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.

If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.

If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.

If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.

If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.

If children live with fairness, they learn justice.

If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.

If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.

If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.


I've read this poem before, but I saw it hanging up in the doctor's office yesterday and it really touched me. This is the perfect Instruction Manual for how I should strive to parent these three beautiful boys that Heavenly Father has entrusted to my care.

I would like to also add.....

If children live with the Gospel in their home, they learn about Godliness

If children live with a family who protects and teaches, they learn about Eternity

If children live with knowledge of who they are, they learn about the wonder of His plan

If children live with a testimony of the Book of Mormon, they learn about being missionaries.

If children live with obedience to the commandments, they learn about blessings

If children live in a home where love surrounds them, they learn the awe inspiring power of His neverending love for all.

Gratitude

I'm trying to keep my blog as kind of journal/family history project. What's different about a blog vs. a bound notebook is people actually read what you write. That is both a good and a bad thing. I love being able to share our special moments with those in our lives who care about our family. But it can also feel very limiting in what types of personal things I share. I kept quiet about most of the post-partum depression I dealt with this year...too worried about sounding whiny I guess (thank heavens that's over with). I also didn't feel like I could share the details of the stressful situation that we dealt with over Christmas.....it wasn't my personal story, even though as a family member I was involved, and I would hate to splash someone else's private crisis all over the internet for others to read. That being said I'm going to post about some feelings that are probably on the verge of what I'm comfortable sharing, but it's something that has been a challenge to me over the past few years. I don't mean to offend anyone.



Before we moved here we lived in a little house out in Magna. I loved my house. I loved my ward. I had such a great group of friends. I served in callings in Relief Society and Young Womens with wonderful and amazing women. A group of us met up as a Lunch Playgroup once a week and while our kids enjoyed playing with each other us mommies had our much needed girlie time with each other. It was so hard to leave, but our home was quite small and we wanted to move into something a little larger that our family could grow into. We felt so blessed when we finally signed the papers on a home that had much more space, but because of being on the Foreclosure market it was going for an great price and our monthly housepayment would only increase by $10. We had prayed about it before moving in and even though I never felt a strong impression either way Mike felt like it was the right place for us to be and I trusted him to lead our family in the right direction. I still trust his impression and I deep down I know that this is where we're supposed to be, but I've often wondered why.



We've lived here almost as long as we lived in our last house, but I still don't feel anywhere near as settled in as I did there. I have a a couple of great friends, but Mike and I used to joke that we were so grateful for all the inactive and non-member neighbors we had because that was where most of our friendship and support system came from. I still remember going in for my first temple recommend interview about 7 months after we'd moved in. After the counselor was done with the standard questions he stopped and said "I feel impressed to ask you how you like it here." I kind of skirted the question, until he flat out asked me if any visiting teachers/neighbors/RS women had been to my house. In that whole 7 months I had not had one woman come to my doorstep. It had been a difficult winter for me. We were remodeling our house so we were all stuck living in one room in the basement, all my belongings were boxed up, I had just had a baby and was having the usual PPD. I spent all day every day down in the cold dark basement with my kids and I was more alone than I had ever felt in my life. When he asked me that question I just stared bawling and I couldn't stop. After all this time I still long for the support system I had in my last ward. It was so nice to know that if I needed babysitting I had 6-7 women I could call and who would let me return the favor. I've just never found that here. Added to that we've had some struggles with Caeden making friends and because of a speech delay and some circumstances (that I'm sure I took way too personal) I didn't feel like he was accepted and loved in his Primary. With my feelings about being here already so raw I happened to be attending a church meeting where a group was talking about the area and someone from the newer homes in our ward made the comment "I just hate having to drive through the ghetto to get to church." Well. That was MY neighborhood. My home. I think I developed an insecurity that the reason we didn't fit in was because we lived in the wrong kind of house. When people would move out they'd always stand up in their last testimony meeting and talk about how everyone cared so much for them and they were so sad to leave.....frankly I always felt a little puzzled....did we really belong to the same ward? I admit if Mike had asked me about moving almost any time in these last 4 1/2 years I probably would have jumped at the chance.



Later that year I finally made a good friend, Ellen, and even though I still struggled with feeling accepted I valued her friendship and it meant the world to me. I started to get to know some people on an acquaintance basis, but I still didn't feel like I had much of a group of people I could actually call "friends". I fell into another period of blues when my sweet friend moved away. Even though we still keep in touch we couldn't get together as often for lunches, playdates, craft time, family dinners. Our sons were best friends and added to all of my feelings I had to deal with my boys missing their favorite playmates. I felt very alone again and like a little kid I found myself on my knees praying for some friends. I think as a stay at home mom I depend on my connection with other women more than I used to. A few months later I got to know someone else through our shared love of running. Kim has always been there when I needed her. It's nice to have a friend who remembers your birthday, calls you just to chat about nothing, listen to you cry over stupid things, knows just when to drag you out of your house and is always there when you need them. I know that she had been an answer to my prayers (I know you're reading this Kim, I hope you're not too embarassed). I'm so grateful that she's in my life. Like I mentioned before, I've also gotten to know some non-member and less active women around me and I've slowly developed wonderful friendships with some of them as well.



I know this post sounds like a great big pity-party, but I didn't feel like the next part of the story would be understood without some prior history. This last week my family and I have been sick. Very sick. I've hardly left my bed all week. Poor Weston is beyone miserable. We've been into the Dr.s but they're no longer testing for H1N1 and said it was probably just viral and we had to wait it out. Over the last couple of days I have had one neighbor take Tanner to her house to play so that the baby and I could rest. I had another offer to take all my kids, even my sick baby, so I could rest (I refused, I would feel forever guilty if we spread this nasty stuff), she also picked up some cat food, milk, and medicine for me at the grocery store since I've been unable to get out. Another offered to take over my end of the preschool carpool so I wouldn't have to take Weston out of the hosue. Another let Caeden come over to her house to play all day after school yesterday (even though I know it's past my turn to have the boys over here). And another offered to not only pick up any handouts from the Enrichment night I'd be missing, but also offered to take notes since I was so dissapointed at not being able to go. Added to that I have wonderful family that has stepped in and taken Tanner as well as offered to take both of the older boys tomorrow night.



The scriptures say we go through trials in this life in order to teach us and help us grow. Even though I hate being sick and I feel like this is never going to end I think I know what lesson is supposed to be sinking into my hard head. I DO have a support system here......more of one than I realized. I think I've been so busy pining for what I once had that I've probably been a little blinded to what I have now. Don't get me wrong, I'd still like to get to know some people better here, I like having friends to chat with on the phone, go to lunch with, that kind of superficial stuff BUT this experience has taught me that when the chips are down there are people out there who care about us and will step in to lend a helping hand. I don't know if it's exhaustion and cold medicine just going to my fuzzy head or what, but I have found myself in tears over the outpouring of genorosity and caring that I've felt the last few days. I'm also finding the need to repent. Repent of my hard feelings. Repent of not letting past wrongs go. Repent of not seeking out the good that surrounds me. Repend of being too judgemental and not giving people the benefit of the doubt.



I'm feeling very humbled. I'm trying to repent and forgive. I'm full of gratitude. Lesson learned. Can I please get feeling better now???

Chaos Reigns

We have all been sick. Horribly sick. Achey joints, fevers, painful cough......after a week of this misery I'm exhausted to the point of sensless crying and my house is a disaster.

The Bedrooms look like a tornado has ripped through them......

The dishes have mounded up at least this big.......

And my laundry is going to bury us all.....

And here's me.......

Of course I'm much to embarassed to put up real pictures of my messy house, I'm too worried that someone from the health department would come and shut us down.

If I never post again assume that I've either met my final demise or I've been carted off to the looney bin.

The Forbidden Fruit

If only......

I....

had.....

teeth!!!!

Secrets I Keep From my Children

1. I actually know I'm being unfair. I don't care. I just want quiet/clean/peace.
2. No, I don't love your brother more than you, but there are times I enjoy his company more.
3. I love you, I love spending time with you, but I still count down the minutes until bedtime.
4. Even though I won't let YOU eat a cookie before dinner, I'll sneak one myself.
5. Yes, Caeden sometimes I do wait for you to be in school to do fun activites.....it's cheaper and easier with one less child.
6. I DO want you to grow up and be great husbands and fathers, but the thought of not being THE woman in your life sometimes breaks my heart just a little bit.
7. I've borrowed money from your piggy banks.
8. No, I don't know what I'm doing and sometimes that keeps me up at nights.
9. I know I seem mean when I have to punish you, but I hate to make you cry and it crushes me when you look at me like I'm a monster. Sometimes afterward I cry myself.
10. I so proud of all your accomplishments and the progress you make through the years, but I look at the world today and I wish I could just keep you little, innocent, and protected in our home forever.
11. I love being your mother, but, yes, there are times I fantasize about things such as taking a bath without getting walked in on, eating a hot meal, going somewhere without spending an hour getting everyone ready, sleeping in.
12. Some of the naughty things you do are actually quite funny. We may act angry, but later your daddy and I have a good laugh over it.
13. Even though I tell you to not pick food up off the floor, I've been known to drop your sandwich and pick it back up when you're not looking.
14. I sneak into your candy.
15. Tanner, when you got in trouble and sent to bed for taking the key to the deep freezer.....I found it in my purse the next day and never told you.
16. I could never give you up, but I do suspect that there are other mommies who would do a better job teaching you and raising you.
17. Sometimes I know you're breaking the rules, but I ignore it anyway because I don't want to deal with it.
18. I worry that you love your granparents more than me.
19. I think that all your personal faults are a direct result of innacuracies in my parenting.
20. I hate playing the toothfairy.
21. Even though I tell you to be nice and ignore bullies, deep down inside I want to make them cry the way they've made you cry.
22. Sometimes the "chicken" we eat for dinner is actually fish.
23. I hate homework every bit as much as you do.
24. There are times I longingly look at frilly dresses, bows, and the pink toy aisle in the store.
25. I try to teach you humility, but personally I think you're the best, most handsome, sweetest, most wonderful boys in the whole wide world.

Winter Time Fun

The holiday's are so busy and life gets so crazy I didn't ever get the opportunity to write about some fun winter activities that we did recently. Poor Weston was at the babysitter for a couple of these......no, we didn't just forget about him and leave him home by his lonesome!

For Mike and my anniversary we went to the Desert Star Theater and saw Nutcracker Men in Tights. Afterwards we went to The Melting Pot for dinner. YUM! It was a wonderful day! Kind of a funny story, but back in November I found a great deal on tickets to Disney on Ice. It wasn 't until after I'd already bought them that I took a closer look and realized that it was the Disney PRINCESSES on Ice. When we were walking in we kept passing all these little girls dressed up in princess costumes. Caeden was getting really worried, and Tanner was getting really excited (he loves Princesses.....something I'm sure his older brother is going to use as blackmail in his future). It actually ended up being a fantastic and fun show. They had just enough songs done by the male characters and funny sidekicks that it didn't seem too "girlie".

Another fun winter moment was when my niece and nephew Aubrey and Michael came to spend the day with our family. They're from WA and don't get much of an opportunity to play in the snow. Luck was shining down on us because it snowed that very day and we were able to take them sledding. My boys loved being able to play with them. They're both older than Caeden and Tanner, but they were so patient and good with them. We hadn't gotten the opportunity to see them for a couple of years so it was a special day for us.

My youngest niece, Shelby, was feeling shy and didn't come with us, we missed her, but we did get to visit with her and take pictures when we picked the other two up.

And finally.......

Christmas Fun!

A Christmas party with Mike's family....

I love this picture with all Weston's cousins gathered around him.

and Christmas morning pictures!



Mike got a bag of "coal" in his stocking.......he better straighten up for next year!

and this Christmas we had Grandma Bond staying with us....the boys loved that!

I didn't get any pictures, but on New Year's Eve we had some good friends over for our first annual NYE Fondue Night! We had a great time visiting, the kids all played, and the cheese and chocolate fondue turned out perfect! You know how sometimes you do something for the fun of it and it just clicks? Right away you realize you have a new family tradition on your hands. I adore family traditions!