Florida Part II

Our trip was flying by so fast! The next day we went to pick up Regina from the airport. She's from the Washington DC area and joined our little group about a year ago. Chris at the docks.....

Char took all of us to a wonderful little place called St. Augustine.
They have the oldest standing fort in the country. The did a re-inactment of firing a cannon.....what is it about the South and re-inactments?

The oldest school house........

And the oldest monestary. It was so pretty and peaceful, I could have spent hours here......

This Huguenot cemetary was in the middle of town and I was fascinated by it because I recently just read a book about their sad history.

St. Augstine used to have pirates plundering their coasts and so it's a big pirate town. Tanner would have LOVED it!!!

I love the architecture down here.......

When we got home that night one of Char's friends suprised us with a banner to show support......

Finally, the day of the race was here. This was the best distance race I have ever ran. It was so inspirational. There were between 3,000-4,000 runners and even more spectators. People would line the streets dressed up in all sorts of crazy costumes and yell, clap, and ring cow bells to show their support. There were several live bands along the way. There was so much energy. It was amazing! Breast cancer survivors as well as people who were currently being treated were running with us. You quickly forget your fatigue and pain when the woman running next to you doesn't have any hair. These were walls of dedication where you could put the name of person you were running on behalf of.

The entrance to the starting line......

All of us right before the race. I dont' know what is up with my weird smile.....

We saw several men running in pink skirts, it was hilarious.....

I expected it to all be flat, but there were several "hills" in the form of bridges along the way. It was a tough course.

A 1 mile run on the beach, it was scenic, but very hard to run on.......

My final finish time was 2:12. Much better than I expected! I had planned on 2:30 because my previous PR was 2:16 and that was an all downhill course. I think it was a result of training in altitude, but racing at sea-level. I had so much energy and I felt great through the whole thing! In my age group I came in #72 out of 293.

That night we had a little chili party back at the house. Char had made 6 different kinds and we all stuffed ourselves.

Time for everyone to fly out. One last picture together.......

This was such a great experience. Florida was beautiful, the race was awesome, and the friends were the best part. I was sad to leave, but I missed my sweet boys and Mike.

I found this sitting on the kitchen table for me when I walked in the door.

It was good to be home.

Florida Part I

So I just got back from my fabulous trip to Florida a couple of days ago and I'm a little overwhelmed with the amount of pics and stories I want to post......so I'm going to do it in parts. I guess I need to first explain they whys and hows of ending up on the other side of the USA.

About 3 years ago I was thinking about running my first marathon. I had done some little 5K races, but I really didn't know anything about running and I knew there was a big potential for injuring yourself with distance races. So...after some browsing around on the internet I stumbled across an online running forum. I started posting and met some of the coolest people ever!!! These great friends have got me through 2 marathons and 2 half marathons. They've been a source of knowledge, support, and friendship. We've talked for 3 years now and our subjects have ranged far and wide from just running. It was so weird to know these people so well, yet I hadn't ever actually met any of them. Most of them live on the east coast and have met up for several races before. One of the most driven amazing women I know, Charlotte, started floating the idea around about meeting up at her place in Florida and running the half marathon race at the 26.2 With Donna National Breast Cancer Marathon in February.

My wonderful, fabulous, generous, supportive, hubby decided to send me out to race with my friends for my birthday this year. So, on Feb 18th I boarded a plane and headed to the South. I've never been farther east than the Dakotas so I was very excited for this trip. I'm not scared of flying, but I was nervous about having a layover and getting sick. The layover went smoothly, but I was throwing up in the little puke bag during the second flight......not fun.

Charlotte picked me up from the Jacksonville airport and we headed to her house. She lives in this beautiful rural area that is surrounded by citrus trees, oaks draped in Spanish moss and the St. Johns river. Every morning we walked her dogs down these beautiful country lanes. It was wonderful!

I tease Char all the time that I want to be her when I grow up. She turns 50 this year and she's the fastest female runner on our group. She's also a wonderful cook, she only uses very healthy whole foods and makes mostly vegetarian meals, but everything was still so flavorful and tasty. We brought handfuls of her recipes home with us. Her husband, Clark, was such a great sport about having his house invaded by all these strange women. I think it's cause he got a kick out of scaring us with stories of the alligators and the poisonous black moccasin snakes that lived in the water.

The second day out we went and picked up Christina (from Michigan) at the airport. Yeah! I get to meet another one of my friends. Chris is AMAZING!!! This teenie tiny woman has lost a total of 103 lbs. from diet and exercise and was featured in Womens World magazing. She's such an inspiration!

The three of us went to the race expo to pick up our packets and walked around downtown Jacksonville and the beach. We stopped for lunch and I had sushi for the first time in my life. It was good, but I could have passed on the Seaweed salad that Char talked me into.....she didn't mention that it was Seaweed & JELLYFISH salad.....slimy and not very yummy.

Me at the Atlantic Ocean for the first time.
The Birds! The Birds!
Chris started feeding the seagulls and they came at us in swarms.

We also saw a fisherman reel in a stingray and had to go snap pictures.Char was laughing at how Christina and I acted at the beach......we land-locked women were like little kids.

It was so nice to see green things and blooming flowers in February!

Random Valentine's Pictures

You know how some people post crafts on their blog and you're just amazed at their talent and creativity? Um, I'm not one of those. But I do occasionally like to do the crafty project anyway. It's fun and relaxing. I enjoy being surrounded by things that I made. It makes me happy! This was my Valentine's project for this year......

And my wonderfully talented step-mom (who IS one of those crafty people I'm jealous of) made me this super-cute heart garland for my birthday! LOVE it! I found this cute idea here and we kicked our healthy eating habits to the curb for a few days and made these fun little Rice Krispie "ice cream" cones for the Scouts and our school car-pool crew.....
Also Mike's work requested I send in some of my cream-filled cupcakes. His co-workers request them again and again. In the disclosure of being honest I forgot to take a picture before they were all eaten so I lifted this one from Photobucket. Mine were lots cuter, with pink filling, piped decortive chocolate frosting, and valentine's sprinkles!

Creamy Center Cupcakes

1 pkg chocolate cake mix

3/4 c. shortening

2/3 c. confectioners sugar

1 c. marshmallow creme

1 tsp. vanilla extract

2 cans chocolate frosting

(I usually just make homemade)

Prepare and bake cake according to package directions in cupcakes, using paperlined muffin cups. Cool completely.

Meanwhile, in a mixing bowl, cream shortening and sugar. Add marshmallow creme and vanilla (I sometimes add food coloring for a holiday at this point); mix well. Instert a small pastry tip into a pastry bag; fill with cream filling. Insert tip halfway into the center of each cupcake and pipe cream into the cupcake. Frost with chocolate frosting.

For Valentine's morning we had a special breakfast with Overnight Orange Pecan French Toast, hashbrowns, eggs with cheese and ham, fresh fruit and orange juice. The french toast were a huge hit, I got the recipe here at Allrecipes.com.

PECAN FRENCH TOAST
Ingredients
4 eggs
2/3 cup orange juice
1/3 cup milk
1/4 cup white sugar
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 (1 pound) loaf Italian bread, cut into 1 inch slices
1/3 cup butter, melted
1/2 cup chopped pecans
2 tablespoons grated orange zest
Directions
In a large bowl, beat together eggs, orange juice, milk, sugar, nutmeg and vanilla extract. Place bread slices in a tightly spaced single layer in the bottom of a flat dish or baking pan. Pour milk mixture over bread, cover and refrigerate overnight, turning once.
When ready to cook, preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
Coat a jelly roll pan, or rimmed baking sheet, evenly with the melted butter. Arrange soaked bread slices in a single layer on pan. Sprinkle evenly with orange peel and pecans.
Bake in preheated oven until golden, 20 to 25 minutes. Check slices during last 10 minutes of baking time to avoid burning.

Adding to all this yumminess Mike got me some TO DIE for homemade toffee from a co-worker who was selling it. Yeah, this week is showing around my waist, but it's been fun!

And this is what I got for Mike......

And the best for last, my sweet little Valentine's boys......

Aren't these guys handsome?

Valentines....the Boy way!

Tonight we were getting all the stuff ready for the boys' class Valentines parties tomorrow. I had the boys do a hand-made card to give to their teachers with a little baggie of special treats.

These would look tons better if I scanned them, but my scanner is a pain so I just took pictures.

Here's Tanner's card:

"What are the purple spots?"

"Poop."

"What?"

"I made lots of big purple poops for my teacher."

Ooookkaaaay........

Hmmm, should I have made him re-do it? Eh, I figured she'll be too busy to ask him what they are anyway!

Here's Caeden's card:

"Nice picture, what did you draw?"

"It's a monster fighting an alien that has ten heads. See? The monster is going to cut off all the aliens heads and blood is going to be everywhere.

What ever happened to cupid, teddy bears, hearts and flowers?

New Year's Resolutions......a month late!

I never posted about it, but I did set some New Year's resolutions this year. New Year's resolutions can be tricky. There have been times that I've felt like NY's is a time to examine all your faults, pick the worst ones, and build your goals around that. The process of doing this? .....not so good on the ol' self esteem.

One of my friends posted a great idea about resolutions here and the follow up here. I love the idea because it seems to focus more on the positive and less on the negative.

I mulled it over for quite a while and decided that the world I would love to emulate my year in 2010 is .....

GROWTH

I feel like I've been stuck in a rut for too long. It's time to embrace Growth. I'm comfortable where I'm at, but being in a comfort zone isn't the way to learn and challenge yourself. I want to Grow together as a family. I want Mike and I to Grow closer together as a couple. I want to Grow spiritually. I want to Grow in the knowledge of how to better take care of myself nutritionally and physically.

So, now, 1 month into the New Year, how have I been doing?

I heard through the grapevine that a girl who had moved into our neighborhood was looking for someone to do monthly babysitting swaps with so that she could attend the temple more. I talked to her and we've arranged it so that we can each go to the temple once a month. In the past I usually wait for a time when Mike and I to be able to go together, but he's so busy and his work schedule is so crazy that we don't end up going very often. I'm uncomfortable going by myself, but I know one of the surest ways to Grow spiritually is to attend the temple. I'm excited about this. I went last month and I get to go again tomorrow. The great thing about regular temple attendance is it seems to have a domino effect in your life. You attend the temple more and it makes you want to study your scriptures more, which makes you want to teach your children about the scriptures more, which improves your family home evening.......etc. It really does bring blessings without number.

My sister and I are also doing babysitting exchanges so that we can go on monthly dates with our husbands. It's working out great so far! This last weekend Mike and I went to Crystal Hot Springs and spent the day chasing each other down a waterslide and sitting in hot mineral pools. Spending some one-on-one time together helps us in so many ways. We're more patient with each other, we start teasing and flirting with one another more, we talk more....we really Grow closer together as a couple.

We've also been trying to spend more time Growing together as a family. It's so easy for everyone to get caught up in our own interests and not BE together. Mike working on the add-on to our home, me on the computer or lost in a book, Caeden watching TV, Tanner off making a mess (serioulsy, that's what he does with his free time), Weston, being the sweet mellow little guy he is, just content to sit there by himself and suck on something. We've been trying to spend more quality time with each other. We're letting the kids earn family activity days when they get marks for doing their chores, right now they're working towards 10 pts. for an ice cream trip, 20 pts. for a Happy Meal lunch, or 30 pts. to go to Chucky Cheese. I've been trying to play with the boys more and really show an interest in what they love.......even if I have to fake it (Pokemon!). I'm trying to be with them even when I'm doing everyday stuff, like having them help me with cooking or picking a family movie that we can all watch together. Even though there are days that feel like the boys will never grow-up I know that it's really all so fleeting. I want to enjoy them more. I want to cherish every stage they go through and not focus solely on the challenges that come with that stage.

For the last little while I've been trying to educate myself more about nutrition. I think our family eats too much sugar and unnecessary additives. The thought of going completely over to whole foods is overwhelming to me....so I haven't done it, back to my comfort zone. I'm wanting to embrace Growth in my awareness of my and my family's health. So, I've just been making little changes in our diet and so far we're all doing great with it. I'm cooking from scratch a lot more so that we can enjoy the same foods, such as breads, hot cereals, even goodies, without all the extra garbage that comes with store bought foods (no, I don't bake ALL of our bread homemade, but every little bit helps). We've cut a lot of sugar and almost all high fructose corn syrup from our diets by limiting our treat night to a homemade treat on Monday night at Family Home Evening. During the week we've been eating mostly whole foods, tons of produce, grains, lean meats and we usually do vegetarian meals at least 3 times a week. I don't want my boys to grow up feeling deprived or feeling like processed foods are forbidden so we ease up quite a bit on the weekends. They can pick whatever cereal they want on Sunday or we may order a pizza on a weekend night. So far we're doing great, the boys have been eating most of what I make without complaint and not only have I lost 5 lbs, but I can't believe how much more energy I have these days. I don't feel that afternoon lag that I used too. I've also noticed the less sugar I eat the less I crave it......who knew that change would make it easier to eat healthy and not harder like I always thought?

We're not doing perfect in all areas, there are still times I ignore my children more than I should, I still don't read my scriptures often enough, I occasionally still have a chocolate binge, but I'm doing better, my family is doing better......so far, we're GROWING!

GD

I was up until 1:00am last night.......very late for me. Sometimes when I get to thinking about something I can't shut my brain off. My thoughts just go around in circles; I get more and more agitated and sleep gets more and more elusive. It all started innocently enough. I was watching a PBS Masterpiece Classics version of Jane Austen's "Emma". LOVE Jane!!! Mike was with me working on organizing some scout projects and interjecting dorky comments about how silly and girlie the movie was. We tease each other a lot so I just laughed along with him and occasionally punched him in the arm. After it was over we headed up to bed and then one stupid little thought occured to me that opened up a floodgate of emotions. Mike likes action movies.....bring on the army shows, comic book fantasies......pretty much anything loaded with violence, boy humor, and testosterone. My boys seem to be following in his footsteps. Sooooo......who will ever want to watch Jane Austen with me? I watch/read all kinds of stuff, but I love a good romantic comedy. Am I destined to spend forever having everything I watch annoy all the other inhabitants in the house?

I'm having a hard time putting my feelings into words because one of the trials in my life is not something that very many people understand. Not only that, but I've heard some very judgmental and hurtful comments.

I want a little girl.

I want a little girl so bad it hurts.

I LOVE my boys......more than anything. I wouldn't trade one of my precious boys for 100 girls. But I feel incomplete without another female in the house. When I was pregnant with Tanner and found out he was a boy I shed a couple of tears, I was hoping for a little girl, but I quickly got over it. I was excited that Caeden would have a brother and I hoped that they would be close. When I was pregnant with Weston I just assumed that my time for a girl had come. Mike didn't want anymore children and I had always knew that I would one day have a little girl......almost everyone does, it never occured to me that I wouldn't. Same-sex families are actually pretty rare ....especially ones that have more than 2 children.


I've always wanted a daugher. I kept a journal in high school and in more than one entry I express my desire to make good choices so that my future-daughter would be proud of me. It sounds silly to put it into writing, but for some reason I always had this idea that she was watching me grow up and I didn't want to dissapoint her.


We went to the ultra-sound and found out we were expecting another boy. A fterward I couldn't even drive home because I was bawling so hard. For the first time it occured to me that I may never have any of those experiences that are unique to having a girl. I literally cried for days. It wasn't that I didn't want my baby. I would have been utterly devastated if anything had happened to him.....it was more that I needed to grieve for all the things that I will never experience. Things that parents who have both genders never think twice about. Part of me feels like I will always be a bit of an outsider in my own home. I will always be the different one. I will never get to put on a long white lacey baby blessing gown. I will never get to do braids, hair bows, jewelry, cute girl clothes. I will never get to play "house" with dolls, barbies, or Princess dress-ups. I will never go to a dance recital. I will never get to answer my daughters questions about being a woman. I will never get to see her being picked up for a date. I will never get to do mother/daughter dates like getting our hair done, or shopping, or going to that cheesy chick-flick. I will never be the mother of the bride or help pick out a wedding dress. I will never get to share the experience of pregnancy and the wonder/fear of being a new mommy with my daughter.

Yes, I will hopefully someday have daughters-in-law, but that's not the same. Boys grow up and leave......really leave. They don't call mom if they're having a bad day, or feeling lonely, or need advice. I have these horrible (overly dramatic, I'm sure) dreams of Mike and I being all alone for the holidays. From my own family experience the boys families seem to take a definate second-place in their future relationships. My brothers live an hour away. We see them maybe 2 times a year. They are with their wives/girlfriends families for everything. At weddings the grooms family is a distant thought.... just another set of guest. When a grandbaby comes the new father's family is nowhere near as involved as the mom's. I not only grieve for what I will miss out on, but also for Mike. I hear about how little girls have their daddy's wrapped around their finger and I want that for him. I'm a daddy's girl myself. I love my dad, I want a little girl who will feel that same hero-worship for Mike. I'm very careful about voicing anything around the boys, I would be so upset if they misunderstood and felt less wanted. There have been several times Caeden and Tanner have asked me why they don't have sister. I've just told them that Heavenly Father hasn't sent one to our family. A couple of times I've even had to leave the room because Caeden really wants a sister and can get quite pushy about asking for one. I wish the choice was in my hands.


In desperation for some common understanding I went searching the internet for any validation to what I was experincing. I found that there is actually a name for what I have. GD - Gender Dissapointment. I even found an online group that was made up of women who all have GD. Finding some people to talk to who understood....truly understood what I was feeling was my saving grace throughout my pregnancy. One of these women posted something that perfectly describes how I feel. She said she didn't like the term "Gender Dissapointment" because it implies that the wonderful children you have are somehow a dissapointment to you because of their sex. For most of us that couldn't be more untrue. She said for her GD stood for Gender Desire......because her desire for a girl would never go away. That's what I have....Gender Desire. I know having a girl isn't all tea-parties and well behaved girlies in frilly dresses. I have nieces who are every bit as wild and loud as my boys. BUT there is a difference between the sexes and I would like to have experiences with both.....who knows, I would maybe have these same feelings if I had 3 girls and no little man in my life.

These are not feelings that are acceptable to talk about. If you express a desire for a girl people assume that you aren't filled with gratitude for the wonderful children in your life. That couldn't be farther from the truth. I know I'm lucky to have children. I have several friends and family members who either can't have children or the process of conception, pregnancy, and labor is a massive struggle. I know that I'm fortunate to get pregnant easily and have healthy babies. That doesn't mean that my feelings aren't valid. I read an essay about GD that explained it perfectly. The author, who had GD, stated that you would never be so insensitive as to tell a person who couldn't have children "well, at least you don't have a terminal illness", likewise it's ridiculous that our feelings are unnacceptable and we're told "at least you can have children". I know I'm blessed. A day doesn't go by that I'm not on my knees at some point thanking my Father in Heaven for my beautiful little boys. They are my reason for being. They are my world. I think more people have GD than we realize....it's just not talked about. I was in church about a month after I found out the gender of my 3rd boy. My neighbor across the street has four grown sons. We've talked quite a bit and she has always seemed a bit of a tomboy and content with her all-boy family. She came up to me in the hallway and said that she'd heard I was having another boy. She asked me how I was taking the news. I didn't know what to say and after a moment of hesitation this sweet lady enfolded me in a hug and simply said "It's okay, I understand." We've since talked about it a few times and you know what? She has GD too.....it's just not something she talks about because very few people respond with compassion. Either they feel the need to tell you that you need to be grateful for the children you have (duh) or they feel the need to "help" by telling you all the reasons you don't actually want a girl (of course these comments always come from parents who have both sexes). Like my neighbor, with the exception of a couple close friends, I rarely talk about my feelings to others anymore. I can't help the way I feel no matter how "unacceptable" some people may think it is.

I sometimes think that the Lord must really have a sense of humor making me an all-boy mom. I've always been quite feminine. I don't do sports.....I don't play them, I don't watch them, I have zero interest. I can easily do make-believe play with dolls or barbies, but I'm at a loss when it comes to Pokemon, superheroes, or rough-housing. I sometimes feel like I don't know how to interact with my boys in all their "boyishness". I'm trying to find acceptance and be the best boy-mom I can be. I bought a fishing liscense this year and I took the boys out several times to try and fish. I went to semi-crowded community ponds and got several comments from crusty old fishermen and their sons/grandsons for being a mom out there fishing with my boys. I didn't fit in.....there was one time I even felt distinctly unwelcome. I was a woman ina Man's World. If I can't be in a Man's World and I don't have any daughters to take into MY world......then where does that leave me? As boys grow up I think they distance themselves more and more from their moms. We want to talk about feelings, we want to hug........things that are no longer acceptable to a boy striving to be a man. How will I survive when my boys leave? Girls seem to still come back home and need their parents, even after they're married. Boys? Not so much.



Mike is content only having boys. When I first found out that my hopes for a girl were possibly dashed he tried to console me by saying that maybe......maybe......we weren't done afterall. I think the force of my depression scared him and he wanted to do/say anything to help make it better. Now, when the subject of possibly having another child comes up he is adamently against it, not only because he's happy with our family of 3, but he worries about me going through months of grief again if my hopes for a girl are crushed again. I want another child....even if I end up with 4 boys, I want to carry and love one more baby. I honestly think that I'm resigned to possibly never having a girl and therefore even if we did have another boy it wouldn't be as hard as this last time. I'm so used to boys now that I even wonder if I could handle a girl. We have a sweet little neighbor girl who sometime comes over to play at our house. When her feelings get hurt, which seems to happen often, she cries a river. I don't know what to do. When one of my boys hurts his brothers feelings they usually just punch each other. Tears are foreign to me unless there's blood invovled.


I no longer post to my online GD board. I didn't need them after Weston was born. Having a sweet new baby to love seemed to consume all of me and I didn't have the energy/emotions left for anything else. I have found some peace with being an all-boy mom. When I was pregnant I couldn't shop for little girls, I couldn't attend little girl birthday parties.....I was so relieved that my baby was born and I missed Easter Sunday in church.....all the little girls in their dresses would have been hard for me ( I like to think that pregnancy hormones factored into how emotional I was). My sister and I took my mom to the Nutcracker when I was about 6 months along. I came home and cried for 2 hours after. My sister, who would never intentionally cause me pain, kept saying how she couldn't wait until her daughter was old enough to take to the ballet....the whole auditorium was full of moms and grandmas taking their little girls to see the classic little girl Christmas fairy story. It was so hard on me. Disney Princesses on Ice was much the same atmosphere, but I've come a long way and even though it brought some feelings up, other than a little lump in my throat I was fine. I don't think about it all the time like I used to, the things that bring my feelings to head are usually dumb. Like the movie last night, or seeing a super-cute little girl all dolled up sitting on her daddy's lap in church, seeing my sister-in-law and her teenage daughter going to get their hair done together. Heaven forbid our ward ever have a Mother/Daughter date night.

My mom thinks the intensity of my feelings means that there is a little girl up in heaven waiting to join our family. I'm not so sure. Longing for something doesn't always mean that it's meant to be. Sometimes I think this may just be one of the trials I'm going to have to deal with in this life. It's gotten better over the past year and I think that with time the ache will become less and less. For now, I'll just enjoy doing the girlie things in my life with moms/sisters/friends/nieces. I won't 100% give up hope for a few more years yet.