Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!: The Hardest Time

Friday, April 23, 2010

The Hardest Time

I really really hate the mornings right now. By night time I'm numb, I can calmly talk about things and I don't cry. But the morning is tough. I wake up after dreaming about my brother all night (some good, some bad). It seems so fresh. I ache and cry and hurt all over again. I dread going to bed at night because I know what I'm going to be facing all over again. How long does this last?

1 comment:

LauraApril 23, 2010 at 4:48 PM
Oh Shauna, I am so sorry. There's no easy answer to how long this will last. I've lost both my parents and when I was in my early 20's, a fiancee. I can only relate through those experiences because I haven't lost a sibling. I only have one brother and we are very close. I know you were very close to your brother and can only imagine what your feeling. I do know that it takes time. Probably something you didn't want to hear. However, family, friends, and your faith will help you heal. Talking about it helped me sometimes and sometimes just crying by myself helped. Please know that I am here if you need someone to talk to...and I have big, absorbant shoulders. I hope you take me up on that. Please remember that you are loved!!!
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Races I've Ran

Provo Halloween Half Marathon 1:56:15 10/29/11
Run for Congo 5K 25:32 7/2011
Gate River Run 15K 1:24:32 3/12/11
Park Turkey Trot 10K 59:30
Hobble Creek Moonlight Half Marathon 2:12:00
National 1/2 Marathon for Breast Cancer 2:12:00
Ogden Marathon 5:02:00
Top Of Utah Marathon 5:37:00
Provo Half Marathon 2:16:00
Draper Days Crazy Course 5K 30:00
Linda Butters Memorial Fun Run 10K 1:04
Sandy Turkey Trot 5K 30:00, 32:00
West Jordan Run Against Violence 5K 33:00
Sandy Midnight 5K 30:00, 27:00
Draper Days 5K 30:00

Special and Funny Moments in our Lives

7/11 We were traveling somewhere in the car and Caeden asked "mom can we get a better car? The radio in this one doesn't play my favorite song very often."
3/10/11 I asked Caeden this morning if he wanted me to put a string cheese in his lunch box. After a long pause to think about it he said "No mom, I'm just not feeling very cheesy today"
1/6/11 Tanner had to go to the Dr. for an ear infection this morning. Just as we were getting ready to leave he asked the Dr. "Can you give my brother a shot so that we can have a sucker?"
12/3/10 Some of the items on Tanner's Christmas list: a penny, his own bottle of water, and an ice cream from the ice cream truck.
11/29/10 Tanner has decided that the police are out to get him. He thinks they arrest everyone who's naughty. Now everytime we hear sirens anywhere outside he starts to panic that the police are coming to get him and he'll run to me and say "Mom the police are coming to get me because I did this and this and this....." I'll hear about all the naughty stuff he did in secret.
11/19/10 One of the more bizarre conversations I found myself having: "No Caeden, I don't care if you think you're a vampire. Stop eating the baby, he doesn't like it!"
10/29/10 Tanner asked me, "Mom, what if a ghost comes in the house and I forget to lock the bathroom door and the ghost sees my private parts? That would be really scary!"
10/29/10 Caeden: Mom my tummy has a headache
10/22/10 Tanner: Mom, I want a special Halloween treat, please....like maybe a candy cane.
9/30/10 "So, Tanner how was preschool today?" No response. "Tanner?" ...."Mom I can't talk, I'm too busy breathing so I don't die."
9/27/10 Caeden has added a special blessing to his daily prayers "And Heavenly Father please please help Tanner to be good, he's always so naughty."
9/4/10 Mike was taking Tanner with him to help work on his mom's house. He said "Tanner you can come with me and throw sheet rock into the trailer for me." Tanner seemed really confused and finally said "Dad I don't think a sheep is going to fit in the trailer and I can't lift very big rocks."
8/30/10 We had a lot of hail in the early morning hours. When Tanner looked out and saw it all over our deck he ran upstairs to my bedroom and said "Mom, the weather changed while I was sleeping and today is Christmas!". I explained to him that it wasn't snow, but hail and Christmas was still quite a ways away. He then said "Oh. I think Jesus threw all his polka dots down."
8/25/10 Caeden was talking about what he wanted to be when he grows up. He said "I used to want to be a police man, but they work too hard. Now I want to be an astronaut because that's the easiest job ever." I asked him why he thought that and he said "All they do is go to different planets, look for aliens, and then go back home for dinner."
8/18/10 Caeden started 2nd grade today.....he has the same classroom and the same teacher as last year so he's convinced that I'm making him repeat 1st grade...I can't convince him otherwise. He's not happy about it!
6/29/10 Caeden: "Mom I need a notebook so I can write down my plans to take over the world."
6/20/10 In sacrament meeting the primary children stood up and did a couple of songs for Father's Day. At the end of the second song the kids sang "........a great big kiss" and they smack their lips together. Loud enough so that the whole congregation could hear it Caeden added " Ewwww, I hate that part."
6/14/10 Last night we were having company over for FHE so I decided to make a special treat. I took the time to bake a caramel cake (plus two trips to the store for ingredients I thought I had, but didn't). It had homemade frosting and everything. It was time consuming, but it was yum! Caeden took a bite and said "Mom this is really good!" I jokingly asked him if I was the best cook ever and he said "No, Papa is because he makes chocolate cereal and hot dogs." Well. I guess I can't compete with that.
6/10/10 I was taking a bath and Tanner walked in on me. I asked him to please go and give me some privacy. He starts locking the doors to the hallway and the bedroom. I asked him why he was locking all the doors. He said "Mom, it's the only way to keep me out."
6/08/10 Caeden pulled the Fat Free milk out of the fridge this morning and asked "Mom, how come fat milk is always free?"
6/07/10 Everytime Caeden eats something now he determines how much muscle mass it actually gives him. He'll eat an apple and say "I'm two pounds strong." or some carrots "These make me four pounds strong."
6/07/10 Tanner has taken to calling his Daddy "Mike". We dont' know why or where that came from, but just a couple of days ago he started calling me Shauna instead of Mommy and on Sunday he turned to his Papa and said "Come on Bruce." I guess he's on a first name basis with all of us!
4/22/10 Sweet, sweet, sweet! I've been mourning my brother all week and Tanner has been so compassionate about mommy bursting into tears. He was sitting in front of me with my sister at the funeral today and when I started to cry he turned around and said "Mom, it's okay. I'm going to learn magic when I grow up so that I can bring Uncle Wayne back to life and make you happy again."
3/14/10 Mike has been working on our new addition a lot. Now, every time Weston hears a power-tool anywhere, he automatically says "Da-da!"
3/10/10 Tanner turns to me and says "Mom, we have to ALWAYS let the Prophet walk in front of us or Jesus will be unhappy." I asked him why and he started to sing "Follow the Prophet, follow the Prophet, he leads the waaayyy."
3/17/10 Tanner got into trouble and I told him he had to get in his PJs and go to bed early. After several minutes of screaming/crying/temper tantrum he changes, stomps out of his room, and says to me "FINE! But I'm going to wear my jammies BACKWARDS!!!"
3/12/10 Tanner came and told me that he and Weston were playing house together. He said that he was the "daddy". I asked him if Weston was the "baby", he said "No, he's my doggy. Come here boy! Good puppy."
2/17/10 Caeden "Mom you shouldn't ever do the same thing that other people are doing, ya know why? Cause that would make you a coffee-cat........and coffee is bad" (I think he was trying to say a copy-cat)!
2/14/10 We were cutting hair and Tanner asked if we'd cut his hair off because boys who don't have hair become Papa's (his grandpa is almost bald).
2/3/10 Tanner turns to me this morning and says "Mom, I think it's time to get rid of Weston.....we've had him long enough."
1/31/10 last night at the dinner table Caeden took a big drink of water. He didn't come up for air and so by the time he put his cup down he was gasping. He said "Drinking water makes me breathe hard. It's good excersize, huh mom?" Then he picked his glass up and drank some more "See? I think my muscles are getting bigger already from all the water I'm drinking."
1/25/10 I told the boys it was time to come upstairs for dinner and Tanner said he wasn't hungry. Caeden came upstairs looked at the dinner table and yelled down to the basement "Tanner it's okay, you don't have to be worried, Mom didn't make anything weird tonight.....she made hamburgers! So it's okay you don't have to be scared to come up and eat!"
1/21/10 I asked Tanner if he could run upstairs and check on baby Weston for me. He did and then came back downstairs and said "It's okay mom, monsters didn't eat him."
-Tanner was upstairs all-out pounding on the piano keys. BAM! BAM! BAM! I was just about to tell him to stop when he walked up to me and said "Mom, I was playing a pretty Jesus song, did you like it?"
-Tanner, on a roll today, asked for Cheerios. I poured him a bowl. Then he asked if he could have a banana and milk on the top so it would "tast like birthday cake". I laughed and gave him bananas and milk. He took his first bite and with a dissapointed look on his face said "It DOESN'T taste like birthday cake."
1/13/10 Weston had his 9 month check-up. He now weighs 20 lbs 7 oz and his head is still growing....97% percentile now!
12/28/09 As soon as I put dinner in front of the boys tonight they both turned their noses up and said the didn't like it.....without trying it. During the blessing on the food Tanner said "Please bless the food that it will taste like chocolate."
12/21/09 There was fog when we walked out of the house this morning. Tanner stopped right there in his tracks and said "Mom, this air is like, totally freaking me out."
12/16/09 Caeden was flipping through some of my old photo albums. He really seemed interested in a group of dance pictures that I had from my High School and College years. He kept making comments like, "You are so pretty in this one. Wow. You look like a princess in that dress." Really sweet. He finally turns to me and asks "Mom, how come daddy looks different in all these pictures? It's so weird."
12/15/09 Mike was so proud of himself, he went online and did these cute personlized videos where Santa emails a video message to the kids. He did one for both Caeden and Tanner......should I tell him that he spelled Caeden's name wrong and he said that Tanner had brown eyes? He's been working so much lately, I think he needs some more sleep!
11/30/09 Caeden found a penny in the parking lot at the store and picked it up. Then he made this observation "Next time I need to find a million dollars on the ground.....then I'd have a million and a penny." Keep dreaming kid!
11/08/09 Seven year olds think that they should be treated like royalty on their birthday. For example: Caeden "Mom will you get me a glass of milk?" Me, "I can't right now sweetie, I'm feeding the baby." Caeden, "It's my birthday so you have to do everything I say.....get me some milk." Ha! Guess what? He got his own milk. Happy birthday to him anyway!
11/08/09 Over the dinner table Caeden and Tanner were talking about what they want to be when they grow up. Caeden says he wants to work at McDonalds so he can have a Happy Meal everyday. Tanner wants to work at Wal-mart where all the toys are. I'm so proud.
11/08/09 Caeden turns 7 years old!
10/18/09 Caeden and Tanner are now scared TO DEATH of taking baths. I mean tears, screaming, banging the walls scared. I have no idea what brought this weird behaviour on. When I asked Caeden he said "Remember when you put us in the bathtub, turned on the water and went to the store? The water got really big and we almost drowned." Tanner nodded through the whole thing. Huh????
10/06/09 Weston went in for his 6 month check up and weighs a whopping 17 lbs. 8 oz. He also has a head circumfrence that's in the 90th percentile for his age. Looks like he's inherited a Robinson head!
9/22/09 Today Tanner cut off all the cords to his plug n play video games....yes, all of them. Why? He LOVES to play those and he just got 3 new ones for his birthday. Sigh, it's not funny yet....... but I'm posting it anyway in the hopes that someday, like most naughty kid-castrophies, we'll laugh over it.
9/16/09 Caeden got his first love letter from the girl across the street. She came over in the evening, dropped it on the porch, rang the doorbell and ran. It reads: "Dear Caeden, Thank you for the Warheads Spray. Thank you for bringing it over. You are so nice. You are my best friend forever. Love Sierra." So cute!
9/16/09 Tanner has decided that his favorite person is the world, Nana, is in fact his long lost sister. He's always setting food and toys aside to share with his "sister". Awww, she's the daughter I've always wanted.
9/08/09 Tanner started Preschool!
8/19/09 1st Day of 1st Grade for Caeden!
8/17/09 Mike's 33rd birthday!
8/16/09 Caeden grabs my hand and says "mom you have such beautiful fingers......especially that one right there, it's so long and straight. That is the most beautiful finger ever." So....the next time I'm feeling bad about myself I guess I just need to remember that I have one very beautiful finger!
8/13/09 Tanner saw me feeding the baby and says "you must taste like pretzels" then he pulls up his shirt, points to his chest and says "I taste like cookies and berries"

Friday, April 23, 2010

The Hardest Time

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