Wayne's Birthday Party

This last week was a hard one for me and my family. It was my brother, Wayne's, birthday on Nov. 22nd, he would have been 33. This was the first year in my entire life that I didn't talk to him or see him on his birthday. We also happend to recieve word from the mortuarty that his headstone was finally in place. In honor of Wayne we gathered a group of family and friends at the cemetary to celebrate.

We sure picked a cold and windy day! We did it on Sat. Nov 20th and my dad found out that by sheer coincidence that day is the National Suicide Survivors Day, for those who don't know the lingo, a Suicide Survivor doesn't refer to someone who attempted and failed to committ suicide, it refers to the surviving loved ones left behind when someone succeeds with suicide......how appropriate.


We bought 33 balloons and each took a turn writing a personal birthday message to Wayne on our balloon with marker.

Our plan backfired when the balloons were so tangled (from the wind) that we couldn't get them seperated so we decided to let my two brothers release them as a bunch......and they promptly got blown into a tree. We just laughed it off and said that Wayne probably had a hand in that one....he loved to tease!

Afterwards we all had hoagie sandwiches and pumpkin pie, we always had pumpkin pie on Wayne's birthday.

Seeing this was tough.......

Even though it's been 7 months it still doesn't seem real at times. His name just does NOT belong on a headstone. I love him and miss him more than I can say. I think of him every single day. Happy Birthday Big Brother!

Out Of The Darkness Walk 2010

Our family got the opportunity to walk for the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention fundraiser today. The theme was Out of the Darkness and we put together Team Wayne in my brothers honor. We did some fundraising and through the generosity of family and friends Team Wayne raised over $600 dollars. It was a great experience and we all felt that it's been very healing to support a cause like this and to hopefully help other families and vicitms from having to experience the grief that suicide causes.

When we were trying to decide what color T-shirt to wear and my sister-in-law, Roni, hit on the idea to wear camoflauge. Wayne loved hunting and we all felt like that was a perfect way to represent him. They had necklaces for the walkers to wear that represented who they had lost; white if you'd lost a child, gold if you'd lost a parent, orange if you'd lost a sibling, purple if you's lost a friend or a relative, and green if you were a suicide survivor yourself. I loved being able to look around at all the other orange necklaces and feeling such a kinship with people who were otherwise complete strangers.

The family: Jeff, Don, Cherie, Me, and my Mom








Team Wayne:

We had a fantastic group of people (including quite a few latecomers who didn't make the picture) who came out to walk with us.

I feel very blessed by the amount of generosity and support, both of time and money, that we've experienced this week. We are truly surrounded by an amazing group of people!

A Wise Perspective

I promise I'm not going to turn our family blog into a day-by-day update on how I'm dealing with my sweet brother's death. My next post, whatever it is, will be upbeat.

That being said, I'm feeling quite depressed this weekend. I'm so short tempered with my children. Caeden asked me the other night why I was yelling all the time (of course THAT made me break down crying AGAIN). I'm kissing my boys and loving them every chance I get, but I'm also very tense and mentally exhausted. Sometimes their day to day needs feel like too much: fighting, Weston teething, making messes, turning up their noses at the food I prepare. The funeral plans took up so much time and that was helpful because it kept me busy and constantly going. Now it's over. It's been over a week since I learned the news and I feel like the world is saying "Okay, time's up, you're done mourning now......get on with your life." The problem is I'm NOT done. I still hurt and ache. I'm still going through that cycle of disbelief, sadness, numbness, anger. I feel the most guilty when I am numb. How can that be? How can I calmy talk about my brother's death like I would talk about a grocery list? I'm now starting to eat normally again and even sleep better. It's only been a week. How can I not still be crying non-stop? I still miss him. I still feel like this is such a nightmare. How can I just do normal everyday things like nothing is wrong?

I have a wonderful neighbor across the street who called up to check on me yesterday and offered an insight that has helped me so much. He's quite, ah-hem, advanced in years, and has lost many close loved ones in his life. He started talking to me about that very cycle that I've mentioned. He said it was his opinion that the Holy Ghost sometimes works in ways we don't expect. He said if we had to deal with all of those overwhelming feelings of sadness 24/7 we would break. He believed that the "numb" times were actually a gift from our Heavenly Father so that we can have time to process our grief. In his great mercy He holds back our pain for certain periods of time so that we can have a little bit of relief. So, it's okay when we feel like we can't cry anymore. It's okay when I can talk about horrible aspects of his death in a calm voice. It doesn't mean I'm not grieving him, it doesn't mean I'm "getting over him". It just means that I'm processing all of these feelings in stages. He said that the times of overwhelming sadness will get farther and farther apart. Right now I may break down crying a few times a day, but soon that will be only a few times a week, then a couple of times a month, and then only at certain poignent moments. It's the way it's supposed to be. I don't know why this little message has helped me so much. I guess it's because I was really stressing that since I'm not exactly to the point where I'm feeling much peace I've honestly wondered where my Heavenly Father was and why I wasn't recieving the comfort I was praying for. Thanks to my wonderful and wise neighbor I'm starting to realize that the Comforter has been helping me all along. It's not in the same way I'm used to feeling the presence of the Holy Ghost, but it's in a way that is going to help me to slowly deal with all of these feelings on my own time table. And my neighbor also left me with his testimony of another promise......when I'm ready for it the peace will come.

The Hardest Time

I really really hate the mornings right now. By night time I'm numb, I can calmly talk about things and I don't cry. But the morning is tough. I wake up after dreaming about my brother all night (some good, some bad). It seems so fresh. I ache and cry and hurt all over again. I dread going to bed at night because I know what I'm going to be facing all over again. How long does this last?

Wayne's Obituary

Wayne Jay "Doug" Robinson

Gone Fishin'

On Friday April 16, 2010, a bright light in our lives dimmed, flickered and went out. Wayne Jay "Doug" Robinson, age 32, beloved son, brother, fiance, grandson and uncle passed away unexpectedly in Plain City, Utah. Wayne did not know how to do things half-way. Whether is was laying a course of bricks for the company he owned, out-fishing his dad and brothers while using a broken fishing pole, or turning a turkey (one that he had spent days hunting) into a lump of charcoal in his deep fryer, Wayne always did things whole heartedly. He loved the Utah Jazz, Kansas City Chiefs, and playing poker. He was happiest when he was on his old boat in Willard Bay, hoping it would not break down. Wayne loved people, especially kids, and he would do anything he could to ease your burdens. His needs were second to your needs. Wayne was admired and respected by many, but especially by his family. It is an understatement to say that Wayne had character. Wayne was born on November 22, 1977 in West Valley City to Bruce and Patricia Jones Robinson. He spent most of his growing up years in Ogden, Utah where he made many lifelong friends. He is survived by his father Bruce (Lynn) Robinson, his mother Patricia (Bill) Bond; his brothers, Don (Roni) Robinson, Jeff (Nicole) Robinson, Chris Hansen; and his sisters, Tonya Robinson, Shauna (Mike) Jarvis, Cherie (Tim) Anderson, Sandy Barson; his fiancee Sarah Sandberg and her two kids, Harlee and Traycin; his grandmother, Dona Rae Bennett and many nieces and nephews. A memorial will be held for Wayne on Thursday, April 22, 2010, 11 a.m. at the Dixie Drive LDS Ward Chapel, 6500 S. Dixie Drive (3655 W.), West Jordan, Utah.

My tribute to him to be read at the funeral tomorrow:

Wayne and I were only 14 months apart. We were so close in age that when we were young children we did everything together. He was always such a tease. When I was 8 years old I went down to live with my dad for a couple of years. My mom was always telling me that out of all my brothers and sisters my absence was the hardest on Wayne. While I was living in Salt Lake my mom got me a kitten which she kept up in Ogden with her. I would go and visit my family on the weekends and Wayne always had some outrageous story about some catastrophe that had befallen my cat during the week. His best one that we've all rememberd was "Shauna, I have some really bad news for you. We left your cat outside in the rain, she got all soaking wet and when the sun came back out......she evaporated!" (I think I probably punched him in the arm at this point) then he said "Don't worry, don't worry! It rained again and she precipitated back to us.....geez!"

As we got older and entered our teenage years, we fought ALL THE TIME. I didn't think we'd ever be close again, but luckily that changed in our adult years. Shortly after Mike and I were married we decided to drive to South Dakota on Labor Day weekend to visit Tonya. Wayne wanted to go with us so we decided that we would get in the car and drive all night, stay at Tonya's house for two days, and then drive all night on the way back. Wayne had a lead foot on that trip and he kept timing our travel. He was deterimined to "beat" our time on the return trip. On the drive home I happened to get really car sick. Wayne was driving and I was on the front seat next to him. I told him I thought we were going to have to pull over because I was going to throw up. After a short pause he leaned over and handed me a plastic zip-lock bag off of the floor and said "Nah, we're making really good time, we can't stop, it will ruin it, just throw up in that."

We loved going camping, boating and fishing with Wayne. He was always so funny and so sweet with my children. Wayne was such a people person. He loved his sweet heart, his friends, and his family. He was so protective of his sisters. I remember one time we were sitting on the porch, just the two of us. He turned to me and told me that if anyone EVER hurt me, Tonya or Cherie, in anyway at all we just had to tell him and Don and they'd get a bunch of their friends together to go "take care" of the situation. I like to think that he's still just as protective over us. He's now watching over and protecting his sisters every single day. We will always love him. He will always be my big brother and I can't wait until we meet with him again.

Wayne Jay "Doug" Robinson

Mon, April 19:

I don't even know how to begin writing about what has happened this week, but I feel it's such a monumental event in my and my families life I need to find a way to make a record of it. It's theraputic to just let it all out. I feel so raw. I'm just going to put down what I'm experiencing without any organizing or proof reading.



On Friday April 17, 2010 my big brother Wayne decided to take his own life.

I'm feeling so many different emotions it's hard to process them enough to write about it. I don't know when or if this post will actually ever be published. His manner of death is very painful and I would appreciate if any who read it would refrain from judging him. He was a beautiful person who was loved by many many people.



I've experienced more pain, trauma, disbelief, grief, and confusion in the last four days than I have in my entire life. I feel like I'm going through a neverending cycle of crushing sadness, anger, and then numbness. I can't believe this has happened. This kind of thing happens to other families, not ours. People who committ suicide are alone, not surrounded by supportive people who love them and would do ANYTHING for them. I had talked to Wayne just a couple of days before this tragedy happened and he sounded like he was doing great. His company was bringing in lots of new jobs and his girlfriend told us there were going to announce their plans to get married to his family this week. He was planning on coming down on Saturday morning and helping Mike on our house. No one saw this coming.


Wayne had always struggled with depression his whole life. He was so sensitive and would always feel thing so intensely. I know he had had a rough year. His masonry business had some set-backs with the economy and he was losing his house. He and his girlfriend/ fiancee seemed to be fighting a lot. He would never let anyone know how he was really doing. He put on such a happy face all the time. I can't hardly remember him any time when he wasn't laughing, smiling, or teasing. He never seemed to be what you would consider a "sad" person. But those of us who knew him well knew that he has always had his inner demons to fight. I can't even comprehend the torment that he must have been hiding from all of us to have taken this step that he did. We would have done anything to help him, given him money, a place to stay, loved him in every way we knew how.......he knew that. Why didn't he ask for help? He has always been such a proud and selfless person. He wouldn't want to inconvenience anyone with his problems. If you ever needed help, money, a shoulder to cry on......anything at all, Wayne would be there. He would do anything for anybody; family, friends, even strangers. He was so full of compassion. Why couldn't he just accept/ask for help in return?



How do you get through something like this? I know that knowing the Plan of Salvation and having a testimony of the Gospel is supposed to bring peace......so why is that not happening for me? I went to the temple with my younger sister on Sat morning. I thought I would feel closer to my brother, I thought I would find comfort and be able to feel the Spirit. It didn't happen. I've heard this my whole life, so where is the solace I'm seeking?



The pain is so intense I can't breathe. I feel like a rock is sitting on my chest and I'm suffocating. I can't eat. I have to take sleeping pills to sleep at night. I have constant anxiety, I'm so full of the "jitters" I can't sit still. I absolutely CANNOT stand to be alone.......at all. Whenever I'm alone this horrible gruesome movie reel starts to circle around in my head. I keep thinking of what his last moments must have been like. I keep seeing him do what he did to himself over and over and over. He didn't leave any kind of a note or explination. Was he so wrapped up in his pain that he didn't realize how much hurt he would be causing? Did he even think of any of us in the end?



He and his fiance had talked to each other about their final wishes if the unthinkable ever happened and he expressed his desire to be creamated. Our whole family is trying to respect this, but it's been a struggle. We wouldn't have been able to have an open casket anyway, but the thought of his body being "no more" is hard to digest. We went to the funeral home to go over the obituary, pick out an urn and make final decisions. The only way I could get through it was to mentally distance myself. I felt like we were planning all this for a complete stranger. This just can't be happening. All of the siblings are going to write a "tribute" to him about their favorite memory and my Aunt Shannon is going to read it at his funeral. I don't know how I can condense my brother, who was so full of life, into a few paragraphs.



It's not fair, but life doesn't stop just because we're hurting. Laundry still needs to be done, my house is a mess, I'm sure my family is getting tired of Mac n Cheese, I still have to worry about things like homework and breaking up kids fights. I'm taking the opportunity to love my boys and give them hugs every chance I get, but it's hard to actually go through the motions of taking care of them; I think I'm being an awful mother right now. It's all so overwhelming. The simplest of tasks seem monumental. I can't concentrate or focus on anything. My extended family has been sticking pretty close together and eating dinner with each other almost every night. On Sun I said I would feed everyone. Trying to make a simple taco dinner was almost more than I was capable of. I went to the store on Sat. night to get what I needed, but I didn't buy lettuce or tomatoes, I didn't have enough sour cream or salsa, I didn't have any chips or side dishes at all. It was a pretty pathetic attempt at an easy meal. A sweet friend brought over some homemade bread and it was such a life saver. There are several of us who are having a hard time eating much and that bread was so good and so easy on our stomachs that we devoured the whole loaf that night. Mike has been so great about trying to take care of us all, but he used up all of his paid leave last week and had to return to work yesterday. We also have the addition on the house that he has to work on, our deadline isn't going to change just because this has happened. I wish the world would just let us be.