Moving on Up!

Tanner tries my patience. Tanner really tries my patience. He's very messy, very destructive and it seems he's doing something naughty about 95% of the time. Tonight I had just had it with him! He'd dumped out all the toys in the basement, flooded the bathroom, got muddy in the backyard then brought it in on my carpet, got into my storage room and repeatedly dipped his dirty fingers in my sugar bin, stole marshmallows out of the pantry, ripped all the bedding off my bed.....it goes on and on....with him it always does. Finally worn down by frustration I yelled at him tonight "If you don't straighten up and start following the rules in this house you can go and find somewhere else to live." Real mature of me. He's four.

As soon as those words had left my mouth I was hit with guilt. What if he doesn't think his mother wants him? What if he doesn't realize that I love him to pieces no matter what he does? He's going to need years of therapy to heal the hurt of rejection that I just flung at him in a moment of anger. He was so quiet. I went to go give him a hug and have a heart-to-heart talk about how mommy didn't mean it, I shouldn't have said it, I could never give-up my special boy. Right before I got to his side he looks up and says "Can I go live at Michael's house? Or maybe with Johnny.....he has dogs. Or I can go live with Calvin because he has video games."

Oh.

He wasn't silent because he was crushed......he just needed a minute to think through how excited he was to get a new mom.....there were so many great options to chose from. I guess I deserved that.