Wayne Jay "Doug" Robinson

Mon, April 19:

I don't even know how to begin writing about what has happened this week, but I feel it's such a monumental event in my and my families life I need to find a way to make a record of it. It's theraputic to just let it all out. I feel so raw. I'm just going to put down what I'm experiencing without any organizing or proof reading.



On Friday April 17, 2010 my big brother Wayne decided to take his own life.

I'm feeling so many different emotions it's hard to process them enough to write about it. I don't know when or if this post will actually ever be published. His manner of death is very painful and I would appreciate if any who read it would refrain from judging him. He was a beautiful person who was loved by many many people.



I've experienced more pain, trauma, disbelief, grief, and confusion in the last four days than I have in my entire life. I feel like I'm going through a neverending cycle of crushing sadness, anger, and then numbness. I can't believe this has happened. This kind of thing happens to other families, not ours. People who committ suicide are alone, not surrounded by supportive people who love them and would do ANYTHING for them. I had talked to Wayne just a couple of days before this tragedy happened and he sounded like he was doing great. His company was bringing in lots of new jobs and his girlfriend told us there were going to announce their plans to get married to his family this week. He was planning on coming down on Saturday morning and helping Mike on our house. No one saw this coming.


Wayne had always struggled with depression his whole life. He was so sensitive and would always feel thing so intensely. I know he had had a rough year. His masonry business had some set-backs with the economy and he was losing his house. He and his girlfriend/ fiancee seemed to be fighting a lot. He would never let anyone know how he was really doing. He put on such a happy face all the time. I can't hardly remember him any time when he wasn't laughing, smiling, or teasing. He never seemed to be what you would consider a "sad" person. But those of us who knew him well knew that he has always had his inner demons to fight. I can't even comprehend the torment that he must have been hiding from all of us to have taken this step that he did. We would have done anything to help him, given him money, a place to stay, loved him in every way we knew how.......he knew that. Why didn't he ask for help? He has always been such a proud and selfless person. He wouldn't want to inconvenience anyone with his problems. If you ever needed help, money, a shoulder to cry on......anything at all, Wayne would be there. He would do anything for anybody; family, friends, even strangers. He was so full of compassion. Why couldn't he just accept/ask for help in return?



How do you get through something like this? I know that knowing the Plan of Salvation and having a testimony of the Gospel is supposed to bring peace......so why is that not happening for me? I went to the temple with my younger sister on Sat morning. I thought I would feel closer to my brother, I thought I would find comfort and be able to feel the Spirit. It didn't happen. I've heard this my whole life, so where is the solace I'm seeking?



The pain is so intense I can't breathe. I feel like a rock is sitting on my chest and I'm suffocating. I can't eat. I have to take sleeping pills to sleep at night. I have constant anxiety, I'm so full of the "jitters" I can't sit still. I absolutely CANNOT stand to be alone.......at all. Whenever I'm alone this horrible gruesome movie reel starts to circle around in my head. I keep thinking of what his last moments must have been like. I keep seeing him do what he did to himself over and over and over. He didn't leave any kind of a note or explination. Was he so wrapped up in his pain that he didn't realize how much hurt he would be causing? Did he even think of any of us in the end?



He and his fiance had talked to each other about their final wishes if the unthinkable ever happened and he expressed his desire to be creamated. Our whole family is trying to respect this, but it's been a struggle. We wouldn't have been able to have an open casket anyway, but the thought of his body being "no more" is hard to digest. We went to the funeral home to go over the obituary, pick out an urn and make final decisions. The only way I could get through it was to mentally distance myself. I felt like we were planning all this for a complete stranger. This just can't be happening. All of the siblings are going to write a "tribute" to him about their favorite memory and my Aunt Shannon is going to read it at his funeral. I don't know how I can condense my brother, who was so full of life, into a few paragraphs.



It's not fair, but life doesn't stop just because we're hurting. Laundry still needs to be done, my house is a mess, I'm sure my family is getting tired of Mac n Cheese, I still have to worry about things like homework and breaking up kids fights. I'm taking the opportunity to love my boys and give them hugs every chance I get, but it's hard to actually go through the motions of taking care of them; I think I'm being an awful mother right now. It's all so overwhelming. The simplest of tasks seem monumental. I can't concentrate or focus on anything. My extended family has been sticking pretty close together and eating dinner with each other almost every night. On Sun I said I would feed everyone. Trying to make a simple taco dinner was almost more than I was capable of. I went to the store on Sat. night to get what I needed, but I didn't buy lettuce or tomatoes, I didn't have enough sour cream or salsa, I didn't have any chips or side dishes at all. It was a pretty pathetic attempt at an easy meal. A sweet friend brought over some homemade bread and it was such a life saver. There are several of us who are having a hard time eating much and that bread was so good and so easy on our stomachs that we devoured the whole loaf that night. Mike has been so great about trying to take care of us all, but he used up all of his paid leave last week and had to return to work yesterday. We also have the addition on the house that he has to work on, our deadline isn't going to change just because this has happened. I wish the world would just let us be.