A Wise Perspective

I promise I'm not going to turn our family blog into a day-by-day update on how I'm dealing with my sweet brother's death. My next post, whatever it is, will be upbeat.

That being said, I'm feeling quite depressed this weekend. I'm so short tempered with my children. Caeden asked me the other night why I was yelling all the time (of course THAT made me break down crying AGAIN). I'm kissing my boys and loving them every chance I get, but I'm also very tense and mentally exhausted. Sometimes their day to day needs feel like too much: fighting, Weston teething, making messes, turning up their noses at the food I prepare. The funeral plans took up so much time and that was helpful because it kept me busy and constantly going. Now it's over. It's been over a week since I learned the news and I feel like the world is saying "Okay, time's up, you're done mourning now......get on with your life." The problem is I'm NOT done. I still hurt and ache. I'm still going through that cycle of disbelief, sadness, numbness, anger. I feel the most guilty when I am numb. How can that be? How can I calmy talk about my brother's death like I would talk about a grocery list? I'm now starting to eat normally again and even sleep better. It's only been a week. How can I not still be crying non-stop? I still miss him. I still feel like this is such a nightmare. How can I just do normal everyday things like nothing is wrong?

I have a wonderful neighbor across the street who called up to check on me yesterday and offered an insight that has helped me so much. He's quite, ah-hem, advanced in years, and has lost many close loved ones in his life. He started talking to me about that very cycle that I've mentioned. He said it was his opinion that the Holy Ghost sometimes works in ways we don't expect. He said if we had to deal with all of those overwhelming feelings of sadness 24/7 we would break. He believed that the "numb" times were actually a gift from our Heavenly Father so that we can have time to process our grief. In his great mercy He holds back our pain for certain periods of time so that we can have a little bit of relief. So, it's okay when we feel like we can't cry anymore. It's okay when I can talk about horrible aspects of his death in a calm voice. It doesn't mean I'm not grieving him, it doesn't mean I'm "getting over him". It just means that I'm processing all of these feelings in stages. He said that the times of overwhelming sadness will get farther and farther apart. Right now I may break down crying a few times a day, but soon that will be only a few times a week, then a couple of times a month, and then only at certain poignent moments. It's the way it's supposed to be. I don't know why this little message has helped me so much. I guess it's because I was really stressing that since I'm not exactly to the point where I'm feeling much peace I've honestly wondered where my Heavenly Father was and why I wasn't recieving the comfort I was praying for. Thanks to my wonderful and wise neighbor I'm starting to realize that the Comforter has been helping me all along. It's not in the same way I'm used to feeling the presence of the Holy Ghost, but it's in a way that is going to help me to slowly deal with all of these feelings on my own time table. And my neighbor also left me with his testimony of another promise......when I'm ready for it the peace will come.